I say no to people who prioritize being cool over being good. I say no to misogynists who want to weaponize my body against me. I say no to men who feel entitled to my attention and reverence, who treat everything the light touches as a resource for them to burn. I say no to religious zealots who insist that I am less important than an embryo. I say no to my own instinct to stay quiet. It’s a way of kicking down the boundaries that society has set up for women - be compliant, be a caregiver, be quiet — and erecting my own. I will do this; I will not do that. You believe in my subjugation; I don’t have to be nice to you. I am busy. My time is not a public commodity
“
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Lindy West, Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman
(via anti-capitalistlesbianwitch) |
relationships are not earned
We often think of relationships as things we can - or even have to - earn.
This causes two major problems:
- believing we are entitled to a relationship because we’ve “earned” it
- perceiving all rejection as a failure to “earn” someone’s love, attraction, etc.
While healthy relationships do require effort, a relationship is not founded on a list of Good Things You Have Done.
Sure, if you’re a jerk people are less likely to want to be around you, and sure, if you do nice things someone might appreciate them. But it’s not automatic. Do nice things because it’s nice to do nice things. Change hurtful behaviour because it’s good to avoid hurting people. Don’t do that stuff solely because you think it will earn you something.
Relationships are not simple transactions. Even when you are hiring someone, they have the right to decide at any point that the relationship or position you’re offering isn’t right for them - and they might, even if you’ve offered all you can, even if you’ve been nice.
It’s not cut-and dried, it’s not a vending machine. You don’t put good deeds (or money) in and get love (or sex, or friendship) out, and you don’t put bad deeds in and get rejection out. Those are a few ingredients of many; a relationship does not automatically occur or fail in their presence.
People come to relationships with their own sets of needs and desires and abilities; and all those factors interact with the needs, desires, and abilities of the other person or people in the relationship. Sometimes it works out well, sometimes it works out less well. But it’s a lot more complicated than whether or not you “earned” it.
